ONE Extraordinary Marriage

It was a warm fall afternoon and my wife had walked into our home for lunch. She wasn’t her normal self and I could tell that something was on her mind. We walked around each other as we prepared lunch.

As we sat down at our kitchen table she blurted out, “I’m frustrated with you, our marriage, and us. I’ve been looking through the yellow pages for a divorce lawyer.”

Whoa, I was taken aback. I had no idea that there was anything wrong with us. As I caught my breath and tears filled my eyes I wondered if I could save my marriage.

In your marriage there may have been a moment in time or a specific reason why the love you once had for your spouse deteriorated to the point where your spouse is now asking for a divorce. It could have been:

• an emotional or physical affair
• continued fighting and conflict
• being separated due to work, ailing parents, or personal choice
• mental or behavioral issues
• pornography, alcohol, or drug abuse

You now find yourselves creeping to the edge of divorce when there is little to no:

• emotional intimacy
• spiritual connectedness
• and physical/sexual intimacy

in your marriage any longer.

Developing great communication skills and rekindling your commitment to one another can help you overcome these issues in your marriage. Unfortunately, there may come a point where your spouse already has one foot out the door. When this is happening how can you save your marriage?

If your marriage is at this point you may be asking yourself, “what can I do?”

First you need to realize that, YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE.

When a crisis hits, you often find yourself backed into a corner, living in fear, with no options to consider. What can you do during this crisis when it involves your spouses feelings and decisions?

At no point should you belittle, threaten, ridicule, or manipulate your spouse into changing their mind. What you can do is decide on how you will react to the situation. You may not be able to control the situation or your spouse, but you do have control over your words and actions.

This is your opportunity to look at the person you see in the mirror and step up to the plate as you take personally accountable for your actions and feelings.

What can you do that will foster change in your marriage?

You have two choices at this moment when your spouse wants a divorce. You can choose to be angry as you wallow in self-pity or you can choose to love your spouse. 

But, your spouse is thick headed, aloof, and unresponsive. That’s OK. You still can grow and be a bright light in the darkness during this time in your marriage. Begin to reminisce about when you first got together, how you meet, where you hung out together, and what you enjoyed doing.

Capture those days again.

Then begin to share the good times you have had together since your wedding day. The two of you have made many good memories along the way. By focusing on your behavior as well as your emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy you refocus on what is important in your marriage.

There will come a time when an open dialoge with your spouse will be available to both of you. It is during this time that the two of you discuss the possible divorce and all that comes with one.

Do you both realize the toll, both mentally and physically, a divorce entails? Does your spouse understand the financial, spiritual, physical, and emotional consequences?

A divorce brings CHANGE. This should not be taken lightly at any time. Is your spouse ready for this change?

Lastly, you should involve a third party mediator, counselor, therapist, or trusted church elder to help the two of you through this situation. Any one of these individuals can help put your situation into perspective and help shed light on deep rooted issues and/or concerns.

If the situation is truly serious then by all means, get help.

It has been 12 years since that day when Alisa mentioned divorce in our marriage. Everything you have read above has been implemented to save our marriage.

It all started when each of us took responsibility for our actions and took the first step to make a change.