Stop Arguing With Your Spouse

Learn a simple, easy strategy that will stop escalation in its tracks, spare your marriage of tons
of unnecessary stress and drama!


This report cuts to the chase. It’s pure, no-fluff, actionable information. Once you read it, you
can apply it within minutes! Includes an easy-to-use 6-point checklist to help you
stay on track.

How-to Save My Marriage When My Spouse Wants a Divorce

divorceIt was a warm fall afternoon and my wife had walked into our home for lunch. She wasn’t her normal self and I could tell that something was on her mind. We walked around each other as we prepared lunch.

As we sat down at our kitchen table she blurted out, “I’m frustrated with you, our marriage, and us. I’ve been looking through the yellow pages for a divorce lawyer.”

Whoa, I was taken aback. I had no idea that there was anything wrong with us. As I caught my breath and tears filled my eyes I wondered if I could save my marriage.

In your marriage there may have been a moment in time or a specific reason why the love you once had for your spouse deteriorated to the point where your spouse is now asking for a divorce. It could have been:

  • an emotional or physical affair
  • continued fighting and conflict
  • being separated due to work, ailing parents, or personal choice
  • mental or behavioral issues
  • pornography, alcohol, or drug abuse

You now find yourselves creeping to the edge of divorce when there is little to no:

  • emotional intimacy
  • spiritual connectedness
  • and physical/sexual intimacy

in your marriage any longer.

Developing great communication skills and rekindling your commitment to one another can help you overcome these issues in your marriage. Unfortunately, there may come a point where your spouse already has one foot out the door. When this is happening how can you save your marriage?

If your marriage is at this point you may be asking yourself, “what can I do?”

First you need to realize that, YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE.

When a crisis hits, you often find yourself backed into a corner, living in fear, with no options to consider. What can you do during this crisis when it involves your spouses feelings and decisions?

At no point should you belittle, threaten, ridicule, or manipulate your spouse into changing their mind. What you can do is decide on how you will react to the situation. You may not be able to control the situation or your spouse, but you do have control over your words and actions.

This is your opportunity to look at the person you see in the mirror and step up to the plate as you take personally accountable for your actions and feelings.

What can you do that will foster change in your marriage?

You have two choices at this moment when your spouse wants a divorce. You can choose to be angry as you wallow in self-pity or you can choose to love your spouse. 

But, your spouse is thick headed, aloof, and unresponsive. That’s OK. You still can grow and be a bright light in the darkness during this time in your marriage. Begin to reminisce about when you first got together, how you meet, where you hung out together, and what you enjoyed doing.

Capture those days again.

Then begin to share the good times you have had together since your wedding day. The two of you have made many good memories along the way. By focusing on your behavior as well as your emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy you refocus on what is important in your marriage.

There will come a time when an open dialoge with your spouse will be available to both of you. It is during this time that the two of you discuss the possible divorce and all that comes with one.

Do you both realize the toll, both mentally and physically, a divorce entails? Does your spouse understand the financial, spiritual, physical, and emotional consequences?

A divorce brings CHANGE. This should not be taken lightly at any time. Is your spouse ready for this change?

Lastly, you should involve a third party mediator, counselor, therapist, or trusted church elder to help the two of you through this situation. Any one of these individuals can help put your situation into perspective and help shed light on deep rooted issues and/or concerns.

If the situation is truly serious then by all means, get help.

It has been 12 years since that day when Alisa mentioned divorce in our marriage. Everything you have read above has been implemented to save our marriage.

It all started when each of us took responsibility for our actions and took the first step to make a change. 

Comments

  1. Joseph G. says:

    That’s too bad about your wife wanting a divorce. That’s sad. I’m dying to know if you ever got back with her. I agree that sharing the good times you had together is a good way to save your marriage. I actually just gave someone the same advice today, who was trying to get there ex back.

  2. I wish my ex-husband had considered any one of those strategies. When I told him how unhappy I was in our marriage, he said, “Well, maybe you should be on some kind of medication.” Not the best way to make your wife feel wanted, needed, or appreciated. It spiraled downward from there. I am now divorced, and there are many consequences to that. I can say with 100% conviction that I do not miss being in the marriage as I left it, but I wish with all my heart my husband had been willing to put in some effort to save it.
    I am thankful too that my new husband is romantic, appreciative, and thoughtful. Thanks for your podcast and your Facebook page – it is a great resource for couples everywhere.

    • hey shelley shoot me a private email I have tons of questions since you say you wish your husband would have stepped up to the plate when you wanted to walk away. email is bellendier6@aol.com please its urgent Im currently dealing with this traumatic situation but I believe in forever with only her!!

      • I am anxious to know what the advice is that you gave Shelly bc I am going through it now. I gave 100%, did marriage counseling for 5 months by myself bc he said he would not tell a counselor that he was abusive. I had and continue to see help since our first yr of marriage due to the onset of psychological abuse that occurred during entire year( he started that bs two months after the I do’s.) So I’d like to own that I am not perfect but tried to be the best I could and never gave him a reason to treat me like he did nor did I make two wrongs a right during any part of any argument, outburst, disrespectful judgments or make critical comments or stoop to his level bc I wanted to say at the end of it one day and say AT LEAST I TRIED MY BEST AND GAVE THIS EVERY CHANCE POSSIBLE AND MORE all out if love and bc I stood behind my vows. But when a man changes and starts bringing me down and changing who I am and it begins to affect my health it’s time to walk way a put myself first. Ever since I filed with my attorney here again started a different type of mental games, literally one day fighting for us and the next day fighting just to be fighting with himself. Blames me for being upset, leaving and actually filing for the divorce ( even after waiting 3 months longer , hoping he really meant everything when he said he wanted to be a better husband and make the changes after finally admitting his faults. I didn’t even have him served just to spare him the embarrassment. I’ve only asked that he get anger mgmt classes, domestic abuse classes and to seek behavioral and dialectical therapy based on his inabilities to change himself and based on his diagnosis but refuses to get therapy even after all I’ve been through and yet he’s either asking “now”to start doing the work or on the other end of the spectrum saying what are you going to do for me, still resent me if I do go bc you aren’t showing me any signs that you even want to be with me? Not to mention the every other day put downs bc he’s so angry and still trying so hard to hide any type of remorse. Anyone??? How can a man be proud of that, at43? Please tell me I’m not the one with sensitivity issues or rushing the divorce, in his words. How and when is enough, enough to really insult and scar your wife for what reason? Past? Ex? Wth?

      • Mary ann says:

        My husband said he stop loving me in January. He loves me but not in love with me. In February I knew he was going to visit his sister and mother. When. He returned from his visit he was acting strange. Like distance. Four days later he asked for a beak from each other. I was surprised but it wasn’t him talking. I had a feeling something was up. April 7 he returned home so we can talk on why this separation. He said met someone and had an affair. I’m trying to figure how when we are together like most of the time. He hasn’t seen her since he told me. Apparently she’s married too in a verbal situation. I been trying to save my marriage. This past Wednesday 4/23 was our wedding anniversary. Today 4/25 he sends me this text after I asked him a financial questions. He replies and asking for a divorce by testing me. He is a cowatd.
        I text him why and upset and angry. He said I love you and care about you but I am not in love with you.

        I send him this text I’m fine. I love you, you know where I stand and what I’m willing to do. So I’m honoring your need for time to make a finally decision. I hope in the near future we can talk about this in person. When your ready.
        He . replies
        OK. Thank you. And I’m sorry.

        I adore and love him. The kicker he abandoned our marriage by moving to LA that’s terrible. I been crying almost daily. Not sure what do anymore. ..

        • Mary Ann I am sorry that you are going through this. Pretty much the same thing is happening in my marriage. He says he loves me, but with all the issues and troubles we have had in the past that he didn’t feel loved by be and now wants out. I have always loved him and always put him first above everything. He had an emotional affair, but now claims it’s over, but showed him how unhappy he was. I hope that he will wake up and realize that getting a divorce isn’t a great idea. We have a lot together and it isn’t really going to serve to change anything. He will get with someone else and have the same issues that he had with me. He lies and has addiction problems and we argued because of that. I wasn’t always super nice to him, but how can you be when you catch your husband in a lie almost daily? All I wanted was him to be honest with me.

  3. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 3 YEARS AND WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL TOGETHER. SINCE THE BEGINNING IT HAS BEEN A LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP BUT THAT DIDN’T STOP ME FROM BELIEVING HE WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. WHEN I MET HIM HE FOUND ME IN THE DARK AND HAD BRAUGHT ME INTO THE LIGHT. BECAUSE OF HIM I CHANGED WHO I USED TO BE WHICH WAS SOMEONE I REALLY WASN’T SO BECAUSE HE SAVED ME FROM WANTING TO DIE ECT I OWED HIM EVERYTHING I HAD. I LOVE MY HUSBAND WITH HIM I LOST MY MOTHER AND FATHER AND HE’S THE ONLY FAMILY BESIDES MY DAUGHTER THAT I HAVE. IF HE DOES LEAVE ILL HAVE NO ONE ILL BE ALONE AGAIN . I AM SO DEPRESSED BECAUSE THIS PAST YEAR HE HAS BEEN SLOWLY SLIPPING AWAY. HE’S LOOKING AT OTHER WOMAN AND SAYS ALL MEN DO IT, HE DOESN’T TELL ME HE LOVES ME ANYMORE OR WANTS TO HOLD ME OR MY HAND, WE ALWAYS ARGUE, AND NOW HES BACK TO WATCHING GIRLS IN VIDEOS AND IN MOVIES AND NOW PORN. EVERY DAY I FEEL SICK I JUST WISH HE WOULD LOVE ME AND NOT DO THIS TO ME . HES MY BEST FRIEND, MY ONLY FRIEND. HE SAYS HE NO LONGER CARES WHAT I DO OR WHAT I LOOK AT. I KNOW THERES AN AGE DIFFERENCE BUT THAT SHOULDNT MATTER IT DIDNT BEFORE. I JUST WANT MY LOVE BACK . I JUST WANT THE MAN I MARRIED WHO ALWAYS OPENED THE DOOR FOR ME, WHO WAS THERE FOR ME, MADE ME LAUGH, THE MAN ID CATCH STARRING AT ME AND QUICKLY LOOK AWAY SO I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS, THE MAN WHO BAUGHT ME FLOWERS, WROTE ME LETTERS, THE MAN I GAVE MY ALL TOO. HOW CAN I GET MY HUSBAND NOT TO WANT ANYONE BUT ME OR WANNA DIVORCE I AM SO SCARED WHAT 5 MINUTES FROM NOW BRINGS.

  4. I just got Married 3 months ago and since that day my husband and I have been fighting non stop. We even fought on our honeymoon. We’ve maybe had sex 5 times since we’ve been married which is absolutely killing me. I recently told him that I’m depressed and have a drinking problem and he doesn’t look at me the same anymore. When I drink I say terrible things to him but he says terrible things without alcohol. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He refuses to see a therapist because he thinks we should just get divorced if we need one this early. I’m concerned that we rushed into this marriage and that it’s just not a right fit, however, I don’t think i can live without him. He’s the only thing that makes me happy. Uhh it felt so nice just to say those things. If you have any advise I would love to hear it.

    • Amber,

      The two of you need to seek help even if it is this early in your marriage. If your husband is not interested at this time you may need to be the one who goes and seeks out the help. We have a number of options to choose from that will allow you to get clarity and understanding in your marriage. You can check these out here, http://oneextraordinarymarriage.myshopify.com/collections/coaching.

      If you have any questions about any of these contact us directly at info(at)oneextraordinarymarriage(dot)com.

      Blessings.

  5. Hi Tony & Alisa and also to all of viewers! I just reviewed attentively your entire article and also few comments from where I saw lots of discussion about personal life that means marriage life. From my point of view I just wanna say that personal life is not easy but it’s not too much difficult as well. So in this critical situation understanding is important between both husband and wife and also need to learn how to sacrifice. So whatever it is, it’s totally up to you that how will you handle overall situation. So it’s all about of my point of view and I also appreciate everyone to see this article from where you can get some sort of clue about this issue. Pray for Happy life!

  6. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years, married for almost 6 years. We have a son that just turned 4. We got together and married young, I am 29 and he is 30. Over the years we have had many issues, including infidelity, a 6 month separation, and I have said I wanted to get a divorce many times. I don’t necessarily have an issue getting over the past, it is his continued present behavior that keeps me wondering if he will ever change, ever mature, or be the husband and father I need him to be. I filed for divorce August 2013, but he refused to sign the papers. I allowed the case to be dismissed, maybe to see if I could give it one last try. I have so many doubts and I am not sure which way to turn. I can not invest 100% into this marriage because I am afraid to be disappointed all over again. I am afraid I can not fall in love with him again, I love him, but there are definitely no romantic feelings toward him, the feelings that made me fall in love with him in the first place. I have never felt so comfortable with a person in my life, he makes me laugh, he’s playful, caring and attentive, on the other hand he has an anger problem, is negative, can be immature most of the time, argues with me constantly, and I don’t trust him. I am not the same 21 year old young woman he knew, I am a 29 year old grown woman with different needs and wants and I am on the fence about whether or not he can fit what I need. I’d like to point out that I am not perfect, by any means, however, I have made conscious decisions to make changes to improve myself and my marriage, he has admitted he has yet to make the appropriate changes and has promised for years he would. I just feel so lost. Any advice is welcomed. Thank you.

  7. My husband and I got married in 1997 when we were 19/20; we have encountered many hardships: multiple pregnancy losses, death of his parents, his sexual, drug, and alcohol addictions, and cheating, to my verbally and emotionally abusing him, by tearing him down and hanging his flaws over his head. I have forever guilt-ed him with my faithfulness and higher morals, even though I have had a emotional affair over the first five years of our marriage, while with-holding intimacy for several months at a time and using it as a bribe. I blame him for EVERYTHING, but I know I am to blame just as much. (never would I tell him though) I am not good with displaying how I feel, my pain and let downs are turned into pure anger, directed at him. (I am recovering from BPD, depression, anxiety, and a very abusive childhood)

    We have two kids together that we have drug through hell and back; one child wants us to stay together and the other one doesn’t really want us to, but they are both in pain. I feel like I am failing them just as much as I failed my marriage.

    In May my husband left for treatment and went straight into a sober house a month later, he says he is never coming back home and is planning on filing divorce by the end of this year. I have spent the last few months saying “hurry up and get on it” to him -to flip flopping over my love-hate feelings. Over the last couple of days, I have noticed an awareness and understanding of what I have done wrong and a deep hurt for the pain that I have caused him. I still love him, he is my best friend; I never want to lose him. I told him how sorry I was, how I felt and that I haven’t given it my all, and that I know we could be great. He doesn’t respond to my apologizes, it ignores me. I won’t sign papers until I feel I have done everything I could to save our marriage. He says he is done, if we haven’t got it right yet, we never will, he tells me to except the divorce. I have asked him to consider a weekend marriage retreat with me, but I have a feeling he will say no. I struggling with most of the people I know (including family) telling me that I am better off without him and to let him go; I am sure he hears the same. We are dysfunctional, but we love each other; I don’t want to let him go and I need help.

  8. my husband says he isn’t in love with me anymore. we are going to counseling…only been 3 sessions…Is there hope?

    • Yes I say there is hope. My husband and I have been through every top reason for divorce; financial struggles, bankruptcy, stressful jobs, becoming parents when we weren’t ready (neither one of us would give our kids back just the amount of stress is overwhelming) we fought ALL the time over anything and everything. I threatened divorce all the time. One day after a fight I said I was done and filling. He told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. After a day or two of cooling off I realized that divorce is not what I wanted. No, our marriage was not healthy but we had so much going against us an neither one of us were trying. I begged for him to forgive me and that I didn’t mean it. He told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. Those words hurt and I believed him. After a month or two he also backed out of the divorce and didn’t want to leave me. We also saw THREE different couples counselors who did not help us at all. (Maybe just bad luck) we still have our moments but not as bad as before. We BOTH read a book called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and I think that book saved our marriage.

      • Stephanie, I looked for that book, but I could only find it in audio and there are two different ones from 2004 and 2011; I requested that 2011 one.

        Kim, I think that the fact that your husband is willing to go to counseling is a good start and that’s something to be hopeful about.

  9. My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years now, we have two children. About seven years ago we moved to Kuwait from the States, for a job offer he got. Now we live in Qatar because he got transferred. Since we have moved out to the gulf he complains that I don’t care about him or love him like I used to. Many things have changed since we have moved away from the states like I work full time and am completing a degree online. I was eighteen when we got married he was my first love and I was head over heels about him, as a person I have changed a lot it’s not that I don’t love him I just don’t have the same fire burning inside of me. All I ask of him is that he supports my return to school and that’s something he refuses to do. He almost always has nothing nice or positive to say about me. For me my marriage isn’t about sex I want to feel appreciated and want to have his support. Because he doesn’t give me those things I find myself pushing him away! Something that really gets to me is the fact that when I ask him about something he always tells me it’s not your business. I am his wife his life is my business. As of now he has moved his things out of our bedroom and we have not spoken to each other in about a week now. I really don’t know what to do because talking to him isn’t getting us anywhere he refuses to see his faults. He believes other marriage is a 90/10 ratio and I have to give 90%. I have already given up so much, I just wish he would realize that!

  10. I love my husband but we have been separated for 3 months. I want him back but he thinks we should get a divorce. He works 2 hours from our home and the distance created a difficult strain on our marriage. We have been married a little over a year and he feels the marriage was a mistake. I dont know how to fix it. I have fussed, I have cried, I have tried being nice but nothing works…what can I do?

    • Distance is always hard on a relationship both physically and emotionally. It’s time to seek outside help. The two of you have tried “fixing” your marriage on your own and it hasn’t worked so far. I’m sure there are other issues happening in your relationship that you didn’t outline here and I know that it’s not easy to be vulnerable.

      I’d invite you, or both of you, to join me for a strategy session so that we can talk through what is going on and what steps the two of you can make to get your marriage back on the right path.

      http://oneextraordinarymarriage.myshopify.com/collections/coaching/products/coaching-with-alisa

  11. sad & broken hearted says:

    My husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years. Well Thursday nite we had a stupid argument over money and stuff and Friday morning, he left me. I Dont Know What To Do! I can’t eat,I can’t sleep. I’m so lost. I’ve been divorced before but I initiated that one because he was abusive. But this time I don’t want it. Yes we fight a lot and he and I have both said things to each other that we both regret but I Still Love Him and don’t want him to divorce me. He says he still loves me and he says he misses me and my kids but he is done. How can I convince him that I will do what ever it takes to save our marriage. Please help.

    • Right now you or both of you need to get on the phone with Alisa for a strategic relationship session, http://oneextraordinarymarriage.myshopify.com/products/coaching-with-alisa.

      There are issues that are not being addressed that need to be and trying to do it on your own isn’t going to work. The two of you need someone who can listen to both sides and then be able to give you feedback no what needs to change for the two of you.

      Don’t wait! Set up a session be it only you or both of you. It’s what needs to happen so that you can be together in the same house and growing closer together not further a part.

      • Sad and lonely says:

        Sad and broken and myself sound like we have very similar situations. After almost 12 years of marriage me husband left me and our two children. He says he is unhappy and I have not shown him love. He says he misses his family but will not work on anything. He sees very little faults in himself. He has been gone two months. Divorce has began. I want to save my marriage.

  12. My husband and I have been married almost a year now. I got pregnant early in the relationship. We fought through the entire pregnancy, but decided to get married anyways. After 6 month’s, my husbands brother died and my husband said that he wanted a divorce. We started the divorce proceedings, but he stopped them saying that he didn’t want them anymore. I found out that an ex boyfriend of mine finally admitted that he had a problem and admitted himself in to a rehab facility. I tried to go see him just to make sure that he was ok. I love my husband and would never cheat on him, but since I went to see my ex, my husband is accusing me of cheating. Now he says he wants a divorce. I don’t want to lose him. I love him. What can I do? I know I shouldn’t have gone to see my ex, but I was just trying to do the Christian thing and help. I keep praying, but I just feel lost.

    • It’s good that you are praying but you also have to be doing. You have to be showing him by your actions that you are putting your husband first in your marriage, including severing all ties with this man from your past.

      I know that there is a lot going on in your relationship, more than you outlined in this email and trying to solve this on your own hasn’t been working. Sometimes, talking this out with someone can be a tremendous help to you. Right now you, or both of you, need to get on the phone with me for a strategic relationship session, http://oneextraordinarymarriage.myshopify.com/collections/coaching/products/coaching-with-alisa

      Please seek help, be it with me or with someone in your area. Every day that you wait is a day that the two of you drift farther apart.

      Alisa

  13. Lost&heartbroken says:

    My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 yrs together 10. I know that I have had trust issues before we even got together not to mention many others because of my childhood. Some of them we have worked through but most of them I hid from him and never said anything until it was too late. One of them being trust. I was always paranoid that he was being unfaithful, flirting, etc. One problem he has is he’s a natural flirt and doesn’t realize it and he also loves attention from anyone. So those two are a terrible combination. Well one day he kissed another girl while we were engaged. I was devastated. But I tried my best (so I thought) and moved on. Since then a few other things that were worse than that in my opinion has happened. The last incident he asked for a divorce. I begged and pleaded for him to stay and he finally agreed. Then when I was 7 months pregnant this past summer he decided he wasn’t happy again and wanted to leave again. Once again I was able to talk him into staying. Well this past week I found out he was working with this girl alone a lot at work and questioned him. He freaked out and is now filing for divorce again because I don’t trust him. We did try counseling the last time (last summer) but only went twice and he won’t go back. He doesn’t see why I can’t get over my trust issues and I don’t see how he doesn’t get the way he acts doesn’t deserve trust. It’s not like I have always felt this way and he never betray my trust. If anything he proved my fears correct. Now I’m stuck on what to do because I don’t want him to leave. I want to work it out but it can’t be one sided.

    • Kissing someone else while you are engaged is not a way to build trust. Keeping things from your husband does not build trust either. It sounds as if the two of you have struggled with communication and commitment issues throughout your relationship. You are absolutely right that saving the relationship cannot be one sided.

      Now, it’s possible that the counselor was not a good fit for the two of you but that doesn’t mean that coaching isn’t a solution for you or your marriage. It’s important that no matter what he decides to do that you do everything in your power to make your marriage work and to make yourself be as healthy as possible.

      For more information on the strategy session you can click here.

      Right now you, or both of you, need to get on the phone with me for a strategic relationship session, http://oneextraordinarymarriage.myshopify.com/collections/coaching/products/coaching-with-alisa

      Alisa

  14. I’m in desperate need of some advice! My husband has told me he’s not in love with me anymore and not sure if he wants to be married?!? He wants his freedom.
    We have lost touch with our marriage. I’m trying to get it back but he’s pulling away further and further. I love him and I want to at least try to save our marriage. When I mentioned I got a book about how to save it, he said “oh no”!!
    Ugh… Help

    • Shannon,

      There is a lot going on in your marriage right now. People say things like “I’m not in love with you” or “I don’t know if I want to be married” when there are trying to justify their reasons for not being in the marriage any longer. I think that you need to do more than just read a book about saving your marriage. You need specific action items to make change in your relationship. I cannot promise you that the actions will save your marriage but you will know that you did everything in your power to save your relationship.

      In order to discuss the specifics of your marriage I would suggest that you seek out the help of a coach or counselor. I do offer relationship strategy sessions as a way to discuss a specific problem in your relationship and actionable items. You can find out more about that here.
      Right now you, or both of you, need to get on the phone with me for a strategic relationship session, http://oneextraordinarymarriage.myshopify.com/collections/coaching/products/coaching-with-alisa

      Alisa

  15. Very upset says:

    Hi, my husband and I have been together 17 years are married for 5, I recently had a one night stand with a man and I told my husband about it, he basically said ok we will get through this, a week later I found out that for months he has been talking to women on adult chat rooms, I’m upset about this and now we keep arguing over everything that’s happened. I suggested counselling but he won’t go, last night he said he can’t get passed this and wants a divorce, I love him very much and I want to stay with him, we have 2 children ages 7 and 5 and I know their hearts will break.
    We also own 2 businesses together and I don’t want things to get messy. Please give advice, I don’t know what to do anymore.

    • The hurts on both sides of your marriage run very deep as emotional infidelity (adult chat rooms) is just as painful as physical infidelity (your one night stand). Rebuilding trust is a process that takes time as you cannot rush the healing process. It’s true that your children will be broken hearted at seeing their family torn apart and that unraveling two business will get messy. The fact is that things are already messy. I would suggest that you find a coach or counselor to work with even if he doesn’t want to go. I tell my coaching clients all the time that it is important that you do everything you can to save your marriage and to make yourself healthy.

      If you’d like to get on the phone with me for a strategic relationship session, http://oneextraordinarymarriage.myshopify.com/collections/coaching/products/coaching-with-alisa

      This 60 minute session will allow us to talk through the specific challenges that you are facing.

      Alisa

  16. This is both our 2nd marriage and only 1 1/2 years in have had some horrible fights, which lead to a physical attack and his arrest. He is blaming me, and now I haven’t been able to speak to him at all due to the conditions of the arrest.
    I’ve begged him to go to counseling previously and have been attending counseling and church on my own. We dated many years ago and found each other again, married and now I’m faced with not having him in my life again. I have been trying to let go and let God, but it feels like he never has fought for me, or been afraid of losing me. I’ve always been there.
    Help…my heart can’t take much more!

    • Tina,

      Physical abuse is NEVER ok. The two of you need help if your marriage is going to survive. What I’m hearing in your message is that this is a relationship that has been highly emotional for many years. Continue to see your counselor or to find someone else that he willing to see.

      Alisa

  17. My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7. Over the last few years we have drifted apart. Few good days, and some really bad ones. I have a drinking problem that has caused most of the problems, but financial issues I think cause the drinking. I say terrbile things when been drinking and wish I could take them back, so does she. She started a new job 2 years ago and has found a friend to confide in. She spends alot of time there from 7am to 5pm, her work hours, then socialises after that with her friend. We then have constant fights who spends time at the bar or with her friend, who is more right or has been hurt. She says she doesn’t love me like she used to. She sleeps in the spare room. I love her with all my heart and it kills me that I havnt shown her that love and respect and to cherish her as she deserves. I went to a dr to get anti alcohol pills…didnt take them and now she found out she has lost all hope and feelings. She says she is numb. She has been to a lawyer to file for divorce. I cant lose her. I love her with all my soul. I asked this morning if she would consider a seperation first..ask I cant handle the tit for tat spitefulness we do to eachother everyday. It kills me. We also have 2 beautiful girls,6 and 8. What can I do. I lost, hurt, embaressed, ashamed, but most of all still madly in love with my soul mate…..I dont know what to do!

    • Ross, until you make a decision to change your life nothing else is going to change. You need to take responsibility for your actions. You made a choice to drink, the financial problems did not make you drink. You chose not to take the anti-alcohol pills. The two of you have to make a decision to fight for your marriage. If you would like to join me to discuss one aspect of this you can access my calendar here: http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/20minutes.

      Alisa

  18. We’ve been married for 9years, a happy marriage, the sort everyone wanted. We was always doing stuff with the kids, weekends away with friends, lovely holidays, great friends. He was so loving towards me, he told me he loved every single day of our marriage until the day he suddenly broke down in tears and said he wasn’t I love with anymore and left!!! I couldn’t believe it I thought he must be having some midlife crisis or something but he’s been gone a month now and still insists I. Drumming it into my head that he it’s not his fault he doesn’t love me anymore. I havnt begged him back, I asked for marriage counceling, said I was willing to live apart and date to see if his feelings would come back but nothing, he’s not interested. He’s good with the kids still and tries to get into conversations with me about general stuff (not us), he acts like he’s just a friend when inside I’m dying. I tried to cut contact to a minimum to try and get over him, but he doesn’t like this. I don’t know what to do, if anything it seems so final yet I didn’t see it coming. I’m sure there is no other woman as if he’s not at work he’s seeing the children. Should I just give up, be friends, keep contact minimal, I don’t know what to do?

    • Kaci,

      The two of you need help immediately. I don’t know what has caused this change in your husband but the two of you need a coach to help facilitate the conversations and devise a plan for you to move forward…together.

      If you would like to talk about a specific aspect of this situation you can access my calendar here:
      http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/20minutes.

      Alisa

  19. After 22 years of marriage, my husband took off his wedding ring, moved in with his boss and told me and our children 21 & 17 he just needs to clear his head. I had no idea he was unhappy. We had actually just celebrated our anniversary and the holidays and he was extremely affectionate and loving. in hindsight he had been drinking more than usual. Anyway, he originally said he had not given up and still loved me and he just needed time. We talked quite a bit. It has been 4 weeks. Now he says he is sure he is done. He just can’t file for divorce yet. Yet he still texts me every morning and calls me most nights. I am 100% sure there is no physical relationship w another woman. Since he has left he does spend a lot of time texting someone, but I know they don’t see each other out of the office and there have been no phone calls. And before he left he never talked or texted her outside of work.
    What can I do? Anyway to save this marriage? He is not interested in marriage counseling. We tried that once years ago and I agree with him it was a waste of money and time.
    Help! I am not ready to give up after this long together.

    • Leigh,

      The two of you need help. It’s not working with the two of you trying to fix this yourselves.

      It sounds as if there is an emotional connection with this other person. I don’t know if he is willing to cut off ties with that person in order to work on your marriage.

      Maybe the counselor you worked with before wasn’t the right fit or didn’t provide you with the tools that you needed to move forward. That doesn’t mean that all counselors or coaches are a waste.

      If you would like to talk through one aspect of this you are welcome to access my calendar here: http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/20minutes.

      Alisa

  20. My husband says he is donebut I still love him very much. I can’t get him to talk to me about anything. But he has agreed to be friends. Is there anything I can do to help ny marriage??? Please help me

  21. Jessica says:

    Hi,
    My husband and I have been together for 6 years and he says that I changed. That I don’t act intimate with and that I treat him like a door mat. He asked me to stay at my moms for awhile and then while I was gone he kissed another girl but despite that we tried to make it work. We went away on a vacation and we started being more intimate. Well the other night he told me that he loves me but doesn’t think I have changed. We have a 3 year old and I love him with all my heart and I don’t want our relationship to be over. He says he is done but we are all still in the same house. I also told him I was going to try to prove to him that we belong together and he said ok but I don’t promise anything. I can’t get it out of my head that he wants to leave me because of another girl but we cut all contact with her so I don’t know anymore.

    HELP!

  22. Jessica,

    There is a lot going on in your marriage and I think that the two of you are at the point that if the marriage is going to work you need help. There are a lot of dynamics that need to be worked on in regard to feelings of hurt and rejection. If you want to talk about one aspect of this you are welcome to access my calendar and choose the time that works best for you.

    http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/20minutes

    Alisa

  23. I’ve been married to my husband going on 7 years now, we have a beautiful six year old son who is autistic. I say we though biologically he is only my child, though my wonderful husband has been with him every step of the way and is in every right of being titled his father. When we first got married, his mother was against it, since then his mother has moved in with us so that we can take care of her. She is very attached to my husband and often times is the cause of our fights. Not to mention my parents whom dislike my husband but are civil to him. At any rate there has been a lot of tension with us. I know I’m at fault for a lot of things, I’ve realized now that I look at the situation.

    As if it three days ago I did my typical whine for attention, which resulted in me pouting in our bed alone. This never happens. My husband ALWAYS comes to comfort me and or try to make things better. ALWAYS. But he didn’t. Out of spite I told him we should just get a divorce and that’s when he went quite..after a moment he asked me if that’s what I really wanted, startled I said no but what about you? I asked because his silence didn’t settle well. Then he dropped it…he said..’I don’t know. ‘ Frustrated I asked how you don’t know something like that! After a few awkward sobbing sessions and more I don’t knows he choked out a yes. I was told it hasn’t ”felt the same’ lately. Well lately I’ve been in a constant state of depression, I know it hasn’t felt the same and yet I did nothing to help myself of us. The part that confused me the most was in our crying state of I don’t know we ended up making love, he initiated and I went with it. Then he held onto me tighter than he ever has after, I asked him why, why did he do this after telling me he wanted a divorce and that he didn’t know if he wanted to work on things? His answer after a few moments of silence was a passion of love. Again I was confused, WHAT did that mean? Did it mean we could try again? Did it mean he really wanted to work things out?

    Needless to say I asked what he meant by this, I was again met with no response and so I went to my mothers with our son. While there we began to text, he stated several things to me. Ie: He loved me still, though he thought about divorce and the only reason he could think that were were still together was our son, and that if I left him then I wouldn’t allow him to see him. I WOULD NEVER DO THIS. I told him this and he went on. I asked how long he had thought about divorce , if it had just been the past month we have been fighting and he said – “I’ve hidden it for awhile.” What does that mean.. I couldn’t bring myself to ask. Though out of it all I know he has never cheated on me, I explain to him through tears that the reason I alway seem angry and never want to go places with him is because I feel embarrassed about my current weight and I think that he would be to, and that if would ‘have more fun without me.” To which he replied he is not embarrassed of me. I tried to get him to talk about what our problems were but my husband is a man of few words and at the time we were both trying not to just cry even more. So I started taking, I asked if it was because of us not making love very often like we use to – again another embarrassment by my weight – I told him I felt gross and I thought that he might view me as such. To which he reassured me – for the first time- that he doesn’t find me unattractive and he again told me he loved me. That when we divorced he wouldn’t fight me and even offered alimony to help with money. I felt hurt at the offer..but we continued to talk, him barely responding.

    After awhile of me pointing out my own problems I was now seeing I asked for a second chance, a chance for us to save our family. Much like I had before leaving to my mothers. It took him awhile but he responded with my mind and my heart can’t take this anymore. I begged, I will admit to it because I love this man. After again another pause he told me to tay at our house when my mother dropped me off to pick up some school close for our son. He would be at work but when he got him, he agreed to trying again, but informed me ‘this was the last straw’. What does that mean? I feel anxious, its only been two days now …I have no idea what to do, since I’ve been back we’ve made love again and it felt much more intense. But I still feel anxious, eagerly trying to figure out how to please him without being ..I suppose looking desperate? If that makes sense. My husband is not the type of man that will go to marriage help doctors …which leaves me feeling even more lost…… advice?

  24. I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for over 7 now. It has been rocky to say the least. We have had great moments but the problems started when about 3.5 years ago I started gambling. I became addicted to it and lost a lot of money. I was making good money so it wasnt an issue until it all caught up to me and soon we were living pay check to pay check. She wasn’t working so she was dependent on me. One night, I went out with a group of friends and was drinking as well and got a dui. Me going out and drinking or even drinking at home is very very rare so I wouldnt say that was a problem at all. Well after I got a DUI she confided in a trainer at a gym she was going to and I found out months later she was having an affair with him that started after I received my DUI. That carried on probably for a year.
    We mended things and then things got rocky again. She ended up moving out. We have 2 kids also, 5 and 7. She got an appartment and when she moved out was also dating someone. This angered me and from the day she moved out I begged and pleaded for her to come back and lets work on this together and finally after about 5 months she did move back and we were working on things. I had actually banned myself from playing poker at the local rooms at this point so hand’t gambled for about a year.
    After her moving back, money was tight and in my sick head sometimes I say I can always go make money playing poker so I started to go again and then things got rocky again. I know I am a big reason for the problems in our relationship and I tell here that everyday. I apologized numerous times. Now she has been working for the past 5 months as a server and saving money to move out. I found out the other day that she went on a date on her birthday which was 2 days ago. This is a guy she has been texting for months now that she met at her work. I am very jealous an have never cheated on her nor would I. She has at least twice that I know of.
    I am not sure what to do because despite what she has done to me and how she has lied to me, I love her from the bottom of my heart and truly do want to spend the rest of my life with her. She now tells me how much she hates me and how she cringes when she comes home and my car is in the driveway. I deserve that for what I have done to her, not showed her I loved her for years and basically had an affair with the poker room but I really don’t want to lose her.
    Do you think that she really hates me and is completely 100% done and I should let it go or do do you think there is a chance? I have suggested counseling but she isn’t open to barely talking to me anymore. I am willing to go to counseling by myself and give up poker completely and never even gamble again if that meant her being in my life again. I tell her I dont understand after 12 years of being together, how you can just be completely done and want to walk away and not care one bit about that person but she says that is how she feels. Has anyone experienced this before and its worked out?
    Please help me as every day I am sad and emotional and I don’t know what to do.

  25. Hi, someone help me please. I`ve been married for over six years now. Everything was great until our daughter was born. I wasn`t ready to be a father, at least at th beginning I didn`t know what to do, how to behave and act. So my wife started to share more and more time with her mom who lives only few minutes away. At one family celebration I overdid it with alcohol and let all my feelings and thoughts out. From that point on, they both started to hate me, my wife trying to hide it because she wanted one more kid by me and dump me only then- this is what I learned from friends later. So she became pregnant one year later-by tricking me may I add. My reaction was pretty bad, but it was to show my anger at her for making such an important decision on her own, especially when things were not ok between us. I wanted to have second child, but only when things turn in right direction. So my son was born, 10 months old now, and shortly after she said she wants a divorce. I love both my kids, love my wife too, I know I wasn`t the best partner and father but all this changed after those words came out. I woke up fro my “childishness” and became man with snap of a finger. I didn`t even know I could be this good, caring, loving, attentive. I give them all my heart and soul but my wife says it`s too late for her, that she doesn`t need me anymore, that she doesn`t love me anymore- that she is actually allergic to my person. I can do no right no matter what, just yells at me all the time and finds reasons to pick up fights and ways to hurt me. She says she`s done, she`s fine living with her mom. She wouldn`t see counselor- she doesn`t want our marriage to continue. I think I created a block in her head and she became a wall. Doing good-I push her away(suddenly you are sooo good). Not doing anything- she slips away. Oh, and her mom chased her father away when she was young-if that is relevant. My kids are 3 and 10mo, both my wife and me are 35, she said she wants divorce 4 months ago. I`m out of ideas of what to do anymore, I am suicidal at times but won`t do it because I know my kids need me, I just want the pain to go away. Someone please give me guidance, I can`t take this anymore, my heart actually hurts all the time, I am just a walking shadow with no desire to live

  26. Hi,
    I am really hopeful I can find some direction here. I’ve been searching high and low, and finding this site has been great. I spent the last 20-30 mins reading the short article and the comments. I feel everyone’s who posted pain, and wish you the best.
    My story might be different that others:
    My wife and I have been married for 5 yrs, would be 6 this sept. In short, I have ignored my wife’s needs around the house, doing dishes in due time, not leaving clothes on the floor, etc etc, list goes on. After reading the 5 love languages book, I realized one of her love languages was acts of service.
    We share the “words of affirmation” one and I have a physical touch one. She, on the other hand does not like to be smothered.
    Also, I now realize I have gotten defensive when faced with requests, such as drive slower so we don’t slide in snow, or apologizing for something small happening and offering to fix it instead of arguing I didn’t. Only to cool down in a few mins and try to fix what is now a worse situation.
    To top things off, I did the worst I could. No physical affair happened, but I did have a txt conversation with another woman from online. That is the one I regret the most.
    The story boils down to the fact that she became unhappy due to all the things from the beginning of this story, and the last was the icing on the cake. She wants divorce. I asked for a 3 months extension to try to turn things around. We are on civil terms, I am doing my 110% (her measuring) but she says I haven’t changed her mind. And that while she has a mind open to saving the marriage, she doesn’t know if she can love me or trust me. I really love this woman, and the situation devastates me. I know I am to blame myself, she has her needs and I agreed to them when we married. The last thing I did I wish I could beat myself for it. I went to a counselor, but felt like it wasn’t helping, more like yeah you should work on saving it. I know that lol, how do I get her started on the same road?

  27. My husband and I have been married for almost two years in June and I feel like we should get a divorce. I really do love him but feels as though we are better off as friend. We have not been intimate since our first year anniversary, no hugging, kissing, sex or anything. We get alone pretty well but I want a kid in the future and don’t want to force myself to be intimate with him in order to do that. I was attracted to him when we dated but for the past nine months i can’t bring myself to be intimate with him. What should I do?

    • I went through this with my wife, what got us past it was dating each other again so to say. Be honest and keep those lines of communication. This worked with us on our early years but just remember love is like a heartbeat it has it’s ups and down. As long as you give everything you can to work things out and be honest and let your other half try. If it just does not work then at least both sides know they tried and there will be no blame on either of you.

      I wish I can tell you this is an easy task but as you can see 9 years almost 10 years down the road I am having huge problems that has my wife asking for a divorce and I don’t know why. Just keep your head up and communicate with your spouse and try to work it out. That is all you can do, if love/marriage was easy then why do we have to celebrate every year of marriage.

  28. I have been married to my wife for 9 years 10 will be this June. Like most married couples we have had our ups and downs. I am active military so there are some added stresses. When we where stationed in Las Vegas she said she was unhappy and was very unsure of our marriage. After talking it had a lot to do with where we were and me spending to much time on the computer. I had been caught on some adult dating websites a few times over our marriage but I had never talked to anyone on them (most of the girls on there are face/escorts). Needless to say the damage had been done and trust was an issue with us. I have worked on getting off the computer, and succeeded. I got her out of Las Vegas late 2012, but we got hit by the tornado in Moore, Oklahoma in 2013. That messed with her head pretty good, and mine. I was able to shoulder it a lot better than her and I realized later I was not supporting her like I should have.

    Since the tornado I finally got her to go see the doctor for her womanly pains. She went in for an exploratory surgery in late September. I was there for her during this time, and we got the results that she had stage 3 endometriosis and ovarian cysts. We have two kids so she was ok with the hystorectamy. They took everything from her Nov 12th 2013 the day prior to her 29th birthday. I was once again there for her during her recovery and realized just how much I love this women. Prior to her surgery we had stated to get into a sport called Airsoft together. It was a blast. After her recovery she was able to go out to the field during the week to help get it cleaned , etc. This is the first time both our kids are in full day school so she did not know what to do with herself while they where at school. Anyways she started talking with the guy who manages the field a lot on the phone, and every once in a while when he called she would walk out of earshot to talk to him. At first I didn’t think anything of it but eventually I panicked and asked if she was cheating on me with him. All the signs where there, but I had to be honest with her about my thoughts. She said no and we got into a squabble over trust and how I could ever think she would do that to me.

    Up to this point our sex life was great, she had her full libido back and it felt like it was when we first got together. Fast forward about 3 1/2 weeks. During this time frame I was placed on 12 hour shifts and we had sex once, but other than that nothing, and she was starting to somewhat pull away from me and the kids. she was still exhibiting the same cheating behavior, and was spending a lot of time either on her phone texting/facebook messaging or on the computer. I brought up what was going on and she blew up at me saying I was being to controlling and that she needed some space. This happened 9 days ago on March 9th. At this point I talked to the field manager and his wife about what had happened, and was assured there was no cheating by him with her and he showed me his facebook messages showing what they where talking about. I confide in them and we talk and sure enough this last weekend they noticed how she seemed distant and not her normal self.

    At this point we are all thinking hormone imbalance with the hormone replacement therapy. Now this last monday March 17 she says she is no longer in love with me and wants a divorce. She is animate about it not being her hormones, and not depression since she still enjoys doing things that she used to. After this I left the house and drove. I called the field manager as I feel comfortable talking to him as he is retired navy and understands the military stress. I ask him if he could let her stay there for this week since it was spring break and I will take leave for the rest of the week and spend it with the kids. He said that was a good idea and let my wife get some time along to think. I asked her to at least try to work our marriage out but she seems to have mad her mind up.

    Needless to say I have cried myself to sleep since monday night because I love this women so much that I don’t want to be without her. I don’t drink, I don’t gamble, I have never hit her, the worst habit I have is I do smoke. When she called today to talk to the kids the only things she said to me was that she wanted to try and make this as easy on the kids as possible and that if she came back to the house next week she would be sleeping in the other room. Everything she is saying right now is just want is going to happen. There is no talk of working on our marriage, I don’t want to give up, and I am stubborn enough not to give up. I am going to see a counselor tomorrow to get some help, but i would love to hear someone who has been where my wife is help me understand why she would be wanting to end our marriage without letting me even try to work things out.

  29. I have been with my wife for 10 years, married for 7. We have 2 children, a 5 year old son who is autistic and a 2 year old daughter. Like every couple, we’ve had our ups and downs. We’ve been through all of the normal struggles i.e. finances, lack of intimacy, house work (lack there of on my part, though not anymore), a difficult death in the family (her dad) and the everyday challenges of having a child on the autism spectrum.
    We’ve been through so much, and have always gotten through the toughest times. Recently, my wife began taking medication for migraines and one of the side of effects has been depression. Its only been a few weeks but we’ve basically all but stopped talking. She has all of the sudden expressed that she just flat out doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, she thinks we no longer have anything in common which I just don’t agree with.
    We went to our first counseling session and she revealed that she doesn’t think that she can love me as much as I love her which is absolutely destroying me inside. I love my wife very much and have completely taken her for granted and desperately want to make things right, I just hope its not too late. I know we have issues that we need to work through, but is it possible that this is just the depression talking and that we will be able to start moving forward again if and when she breaks out of this funk? She has asked her doctor to change her prescription for the migraines and I’m hoping that has a positive effect on her mood. Sorry for rambling…

  30. My husband and I have been married almost 12 years (August) I would say after about 2 years if marriage (when we got our business a bar) is when things started becoming strained. Then we added kids to the mix.

    He became wrapped up in the business and I became engrossed in our children. He leaves everyday at 4:30p.m. And doesn’t get home until around 3 or 3:30a.m. And sleeps a good part of the day. The business and his schedule angered me and I started becoming resentful. We stopped sleeping in the same bed/room all together, we occasionally were intimate together but not enough to fulfill either of us. We spent no time together. We never went on dates, never were “flirty” with one another…NOTHING! He would come home (in the middle of the night) get into bed and want to have sex, but most of the time I denied him. So, yes, I with held from my husband. I also felt uncomfortable with myself, felt ugly, unworthy, and down right not needed or wanted because we never did dates nights or anything of that matter. He gave up on me and stopped asking, and then I got to the point where I wanted him, I wanted to be intimate with him but was afraid to ask him, or go to him. Fearful of rejection, or harsh words.

    Back in February he came to me and asked me for a divorce, sadly I wasn’t shocked and I said “yes, maybe” but then I thought about it all night long and the next day I decided we needed to fight for our marriage he said no!

    So, we talked when he got home at 3am one morning until another 6am. I found out that night he’d been “talking” to someone for several months! I was sick, outraged! I packed his things and kicked him out!
    HUGE MISTAKE!! I wished I would have slept on it, thought it through.
    I have since decided this is NOT what I want for us!
    I’m fighting for my marriage! We’ve been separated for almost 3 months and I HATE it. No divorce papers have been drawn up, and we have met with a Pastor, and a therapist which is good I know, but he (my husband) thinks we’re beyond repair. It hurts to hear him say that. I don’t believe we are. He won’t come home, and he says considering he hasn’t filed for divorce and is seeking help with me he hasn’t completely “given up” but I feel he is.
    We see eachother everyday he helps me pick up the kids from schools and we eat dinner together every night. He does hug me before he leaves but most of the time I go to him for the hug, but there have been times he comes to me.

    He says I cry, beg,and plead too much (I don’t consider it those things but…) and he says by me doing so it pushes him further away…UGH! I so badly want to hold him, kiss him, and of course more. I know it won’t “fix” us but maybe if we feel one another he can see. He says he feels he’s gone so many years without love and sex that he doesn’t need it now, I don’t believe that.

    I’m trying really hard to not beg, plead, cry to him or try and touch him. But, then I believe me rubbing his arm or back is a way for him to feel I’m interested in him and have the desire for him.

    I don’t want to give up on our marriage because I believe if he gives our marriage a second chance it will be stronger than ever!

    I just don’t know how to be with him right now. He says he doesn’t believe me or trust me (when I say or do nice things for him) what can I do? How can I get him to where I am? How should I be with him? PLEASE HELP!! I’ve given this to God and I know I should be patient but its so hard! I love my husband and need him home with me and his family.

    He claims he just so angry with me and he can’t get past that right now. How can I do this? How can I get him home and on the path of a healthy-living marriage?

  31. My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years. In August it will be 9 years that we have been a part of each other lives. Recently he found out about a guy I slept with when we were separated and I did not tell him about. Before we got married we both agreed to let everything out and start fresh. I didn’t tell him. I was embarrassed bc the guy and I never actually had sex…just everything that led up to it. not to mention it was my brothers best friend and a huge mistake. well it came out recently along with some lies. A friend told my husband I cheated on him and I have never cheated on my husband nor would I ever. He is convinced I am a cheater. we have 2 beautiful kids and all I have ever wanted is a happy family. my kids and my husband truly are my everything. I can not see a future where my husband is not in it. I want to do whatever I can to save my marriage but I feel my husband is already set on the divorce. I know I could have been a better wife to him….a wife he deserves but now I fee like I have realized it too late. I look at my kids and I hate myself for allowing myself to break my family apart. I know my husband is not perfect and he has hurt me tremendously these past 8 years we have been off and on but we made it through for a reason. I love him and I want to save my marriage. PLEASE HELP
    !

  32. My wife and I have been married for 4 years, and have been together for 5. After a year of marriage, I was prepping for deployment with the military. After a year long tour overseas, I got back home and everything had changed. I couldn’t find out where I fit into my marriage. Our son was about 3 at that time. I had lost connection completely. After 3 months of being home, I made a awful mistake and cheated on her. I still hate myself every day for it. Since then we have lost a lot of closeness, been through marriage counselors, I have been through depression/ ptsd counselors, and after everything I still ended up talking to other women about 3 other times. Nothing happened with them, but it still took an awful toll on my wife, my family, and my marriage as well as myself. My wife has also talked to other men, but not as extensively as the one that I have just found out about. 2 days ago, I found out that my wife has been talking to an old high school friend. She’s told me that she is going to file for divorce in 5 days, and that she has a realtor scheduled to arrive in 3 days to appraise the house. She has informed me that she “cares for” this other guy, because he has made her smile. I know I have hurt her severely in the past, but I am changing. I want my family and my marriage so badly. I don’t want to be the person that I was, because that’s not who I am. How can I stop her and make her see that she is not acting like herself?! Her friends, family, and fellow church members are even saying that this isn’t her. That something is wrong with her. I will fight for my marriage till my last breath. I will not allow our family to succumb to divorce. I cant let it happen. How can I stop this? Please. Someone help.

  33. My wife and I have been married for 4 years almost 5 on July 11th. She recently told me she wasn’t in love with me that she loved me more like a friend. She said she wants a divorce that she has been unhappy fora year now. I’ve been not so good as far as making promises and not keeping them but I have been trying to change and it doesn’t seem to work. I love my wife to death and I took my vowels very seriously. I asked her to go to marriage counciling and she said no.we have 3 kids 3 2 and 10 months. We agreed to a 2 month break and try to work things out after that. Some of the problems we face are not having or own place to live and may be debt pile up. I really want things to work. The hurt that I feel is killing me and I’m to the point where I don’t eat and rarely drink anything. Idk weekday to do all I know is she is my soul mate and I want her back. She wants her space during the 2 months and I am trying to give her that space i just want to know there is a chance to fix it and she isn’t giving me that chance. What do I do? I don’t know what to do I feel like I need to give up but I can’t and won’t please anyone help me

  34. First off, this site is great. Seeing other people going through similar problems is comforting. Deep down inside I know what ever the outcome of our marriages are, we can survive.

    So here’s my issue. My wife and I have had many up’s and downs in our marriage of 20 years. But the biggest problem is my lack of self confidence and her lack of showing love and affection.
    I am madly in love with my wife, while she never has really showed me affection. We never cuddle, hold hands and obviously no sex life. While I would have sex with my wife 24/7. I could be somewhat happy, cuddling for a half hour a night, or holding hands while going for a walk. I always feared while I know she loves me, that she was never in love with me. My self confidence got worse about my marriage, when I lost my decent paying job and starting making less money. She was a long time stay at home mom, working part time. She went out and got a job and excelled at it. She soon was making more money then me. It killed me and my fears of her leaving me sky rocketed. When she would talk about how good she was doing at work, I kinda would blow her off. I did tell her I’m proud of her, but my pride was hurt. She recently told me she wants to separate and not sure how she feels anymore. She decided not to move out, but she asked for space. While we still talk normal, I can’t make any attempt to better our marriage, other then working on my own issues. I’ve realized if I don’t love myself, how can she love me. I’ve done a good job with that, I now realize what a good person I am inside. I’m fixing all my mistakes that I felt made me a bad person. She tells me it is getting better, but she still needs space. I’m not begging her or pointing out her faults, so I think I’m doing everything right. What keeps bothering me is that I am madly in love with her and even if we work this out, but she doesn’t change her ways, is it best to be with the person you are crazy in love with and not get what you need, or leave and try to find another person that will hopefully get what you need?